The Untold Stories of Postpartum
Contributed by Original Co-Founder Jody Belanger
I was 5 months postpartum and in shock at what I had become and what was happening around me. Why hadn’t they warned me about this? How had I been blinded from the reality of motherhood? Am I the only one going through this? I wish somebody told me!
Physically, my goodness, unrecognizable…
Stretch marks on top of stretch marks to really make the statement that they aren’t going anywhere.
I had not lost any of my pregnancy weight and truthfully, I felt like I still looked 6 months pregnant.
My already thin, fine hair was disappearing day by day with tons of hair loss. I became terrified to brush my hair and hats became my new best friend. Oh, but I was blessed with these lovely curly grey sideburns coming through as the replacement. Like wild creatures on my head.
The glow was gone, dull, dry, blemished skin was my mask and one that I so desperately wanted to take off. Eczema was surfacing for the first time in my life, and my skin seemed to be easily irritated by anything.
My feet had grown a size, plantar fasciitis was my new ailment, and gone were the days I could wear my closet full of shoes I adored… I was in constant rotation of the 2 new sneakers I had bought for these new feet. And short walks were all I could handle before the intense pain kicked in.
Hip & lower back pain caused me to wobble and feel like I was 80 years old. Laying down hurt, sitting hurt, standing hurt… I was in pain, always!
I was given the type of surprise you don’t like… the return of my period (at 2 months postpartum, a real treat) and it came back with a vengeance not showing any signs of taming itself.
My perineal tear from vaginal birth was still causing me discomfort with intercourse and tampon wear, which had me frustrated and wondering if this was my new normal?
My breastmilk was slowly depleting and what was once an abundant flow became liquid gold. It was hitting my that the decline was due to my choices. Or at least I felt that way. Not to mention, my breasts had changed shape and gravity was starting to take its course for these now stretched out milk making machines.
I was getting heart palpitations constantly, light-headedness became my norm, tightness in my chest and shortness of breath reminded me how much I was struggling, and the regular panic attacks brought me to a place a fear whether I could care for my own child, let alone myself.
What was happening…
I had done all the postpartum depression tests, seen my doctor regularly, and was fine. No signs of depression and my love for my daughter was evident and undeniable. So, what was going on? I was not feeling right. Not myself. The days started to feel really long, I counted down the minutes until my partner would get home from work, I was extremely exhausted – not just a lack of sleep tired, a drained kind. I found myself worrying, A LOT. Playing ‘What If’ scenarios over and over in my head. My thoughts kept me up at night even if I had baby sound asleep and the opportunity to get some much-needed rest. I was losing my desire to go anywhere and be social. I found myself retreated within and no longer expressing myself which was once my strength. I was afraid I was an unfit mother who was unable to care for this child she prayed for. I wished my partner noticed something was wrong without having to say anything, and when he did, I wished he had not because I had no answers, no explanation. Tears would roll down my cheeks, panic would set in, and I was left speechless.
My heart was causing me concern and I decided to go to the doctor for further testing. While returning my Holter Monitor, the lady asked me what was happening, and much to her surprise I broke down and shared it all. She listened, asked questions, and then suggested I talk to my doctor about Post Partum Anxiety and explore the possibilities of that being linked to what I had been going through. PPA … that’s different. Are you sure you don’t mean PPD? I have done all those tests and it’s not a match? Well, I did what any of us would do, went home to my Google doctor first as I had a few days until my Family Doctor appointment. I read one line, two, three… which turned into article after article and was relieved… this WAS ME, this was what I had been feeling. It’s a thing!
I stopped and reflected on all the major things in my life that were happening at the time the symptoms started and were linked to the fears in my head and triggers causing the anxiety now…
My daughter had been diagnosed with her first Urinary Tract Infection at 3 months old and hospitalized for 4 days with IV’s and needles invading her precious little body. She went on to have one every month after that, with us on a waiting list to see the Pediatric Urologist for answers. In the meantime, I was left to wonder what I was doing wrong? There was no thought of, ‘could it be something I had done or not done?’ – I was already convinced it was me. My fault. No matter how many doctors told me it was out of my control.
My breastfeeding days were coming close to an end and that meant I did not achieve my goal of 1 year minimum. I had exclusively breast fed for the first 3 months of her life, with her first-time having formula being when she was sick in the hospital. I was in so much fear she wasn’t getting enough food to flush out the infection I insisted on bottle feeding to be sure I could monitor the ounces going in and that stuck with me as the infections kept coming back. Add being back at work and running a business to the mix – pumping and topping up with formula seemed like the only way to go. But that caused us to lose that breastfeeding connection and I got so caught up in work I would skip pumping sessions. One missed session escalated into many daily and we know where that story leads. There was immense guilt as I felt like I chose work over my baby.
That calling to be closer to my daughter was very strong and lead me to decide to resign from ownership of a business I put my entire heart and soul into building for 3 years. The business was a success and was at a high with so much potential and plans for growth in the year ahead. Leaving behind a dream and the community that came with it to be more present with my family and the best momma I could be was my choice and I felt at peace with it, but that doesn’t make it easy to say goodbye. Not to mention it was the first time in nearly 20 years I would not be working and losing that feeling of independence. I was going to be relying on someone else. Scary!
All of this, coupled with that long previous list I shared of physical changes I was experiencing inside and outside my body, contributed to my Post Partum Anxiety – finally it all made sense. My heart had been my warning that something wasn’t right, and I was diagnosed with Premature Ventricular Contractions which had been causing my irregular heartbeats and discomfort. The anxiety was intensifying this underlying condition. I was now getting answers and was committed to put in the work.
My wellness recipe
My first ingredient - every night before bed I scanned my entire body stopping at the parts that had changed and felt hatred towards and expressed a point of gratitude and love towards it instead. For example, to my stretch marks, “Thank you for working so hard to provide a safe home for the growing baby inside me who was born healthy”.
Next up, I journaled all my negative thoughts, worried and fears and immediately below it I counteracted it with the truth and the reality. For example, “I am afraid that my daughter’s infection will not go away and she will be suffering forever.” The reality is, “Medicine has the capability to fight infection and you are working with the doctors to get answers and provide the necessary treatment, she will be healthy again.”
Next, I booked an appointment with my doctor and was honest about everything that I had been experiencing and listened to her recommendations for support. I asked lots of questions and inquired about all my options for treatment. Seeking professional advice is always a good idea, but you know what’s best for you and should trust your gut on where to start.
Following that, I wanted to explore Cognitive Behaviour Therapy before going the route of medication and felt a calling to further educate myself on Post Partum Anxiety. I ordered the book, “The Pregnancy & Postpartum Anxiety Workbook,” by Pamela S. Wiegartz PH.D. and Kevin L. Gyoerkoe PSY.D. and I did the work.
A key ingredient in order to do the work, I had to be vulnerable and share my situation with my family and close friends, so I had their support. I scheduled time with them to babysit my daughter so I could have some alone time to really dive into the workbook and focus on my needs.
A dash of curiosity! I had heard so many great things about CBD oil and its positive effect on managing anxiety, so I decided to give it a try as I felt more inclined to go that route than a prescribed medication. This was my preference at the time, but that does not mean I have anything against prescription drugs to support with mental health, and I will never rule out any treatment option. The goal is health in whatever way necessary that feels right for you personally.
And the final ingredient to my wellness journey, I got moving! Whether that was going for a walk or having a dance party in my living room with my daughter. Movement and music have always helped me heal by providing the joy and energy needed to get out of the place of exhaustion. Let’s face it, motherhood is exhausting on its own – add health issues to that and you’re feeling like a zombie most days. I was tired of going through the motions.
I see the light…
After 2 months of very hard work, I am happy to share that I am in a much better place right now. I have made my wellness recipe several times and adjusting measurements of each ingredient to my needs. But I know it doesn’t stop here. My anxiety still creeps up unexpectedly at times, but I am learning to manage it and not let it control me. I know there are going to be tough times ahead, but I choose to acknowledge the silver lining, be real, and trust the journey.
So why didn’t they tell me…
They did. I just didn’t listen. As someone who had two losses prior to this successful birth, I didn’t want to listen to the tough stuff. I was jealous of those who had a family, wondering if I ever would have one of my own. I would think to myself, ‘enough complaining, you chose to be a mom so embrace it, all of it. How hard can it really be?’ Yep, here I am admitting I was that girl. The one who failed to believe it could be hard. Oh boy was I wrong; it can be damn hard. I still agree that we need to accept ownership of our chosen role of Mother, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
The flip side, some didn’t tell me. There are many others who did not share their reality and chose to focus on the ‘Sunshine & Rainbow’ talk, but when I opened up about my struggles the flood gated opened and they let it all out. So that’s why I am here, that’s why I share. I want you to feel empowered to be vulnerable, to share, to ask for help if you need it, to trust your gut and to know, you are not alone and there is light at the end of any tunnel. There is so much power in sharing your story, even if everyone is not listening at that moment in time, the message lasts forever.
I would love to hear your story! Please email me at jody_belanger@hotmail.com or connect on Instagram at @jody_belanger – we are in this together!